Day 10

Well, I got through Christmas Day okay, although it wasn't easy. Would like to be more like Mrs D and have gentle calmness, but it doesn't seem to work for me.

I still feel resentment sometimes because I can't drink, but maybe that has to do with tiredness. I was awake at 5am and up at 5.45 to get ready for our trip to spend Xmas with my sister and her family. A 4 hour trip, but that included stops for J on beaaaches on the way, and to pick up a passenger.

To be honest my nerves get the better of me when there are a few people in a smallish space.  Was also suffering from stress induced deafness in one ear that didn't help matters.

On the plus side it was nice to see my elderly parents and it was a lovely meal. We left at 4pm for the trip home and arrived home just after 8pm.

I also read about my sister-in-law having bubbles with breakfast, lunch and dinner and ENVY reared it's head!

Things will get better once this tiredness wears off and I will start doing things around the house and get into the garden.

It all helps.

B-J's Mum

Day 9

I was thinking I should rename these Entry 1-9 instead of Day 1-9, but it isn't important in the scheme of things.

I got through the Xmas party okay, but after just over 3 hours I had had enough. I find it really frustrating talking to drunk people when I am sober! They repeat themselves, and you can't have a sensible conversation so in the end I gave up and came home. And to think I used to be one of those annoying people...

Only to find the J had got out while we were both away. He jumped the fence and went next door. Luckily the lady of the house there caught him and tied him up, and even left him a bowl water to drink.

We have since fixed the fence and hopefully that will keep him in.

Looking forward now to Christmas Day, there will be a couple of drinkers there but not such an emphasis on alcohol, I will take some non alcohol sparkling wine and will be fine.

B & J's Mum

Day 8

Wow, can't believe it's almost a week since I wrote. can't say that I have been busy, mostly tired I think. A continuing theme of my blogs.

I did take J for a walk Mon and Tues before work so I am making a start on exercise. Hoping to do more over the holidays. Weight is increasing every day and I don't know why. I thought with not drinking I would lose weight but it's not the case.

Have not had the urge for a drink for a few days but it is going to get harder over the next few days as we wind up for our works do.

The boss said to me the other day I could have a couple of drinks at the Xmas party so I said I was an alcoholic and couldn't. We had a bit of a discussion on it, but I think he was a bit shocked by my admission. It seems the only way I can get through to people sometimes that I can't have just one or two drinks, is to tell them I am an alcoholic. It is a conversation stopper that's for sure!

But it is what it is!

B & J's Mum

Day 7

Not very original titles to these blogs, but I have come to realise I am not a very imaginative person. I used to hate returning to school after the holidays and being asked to write a story about what you did. My story went something like:

We went to the river. It was sunny. We went swimming. Dad caught a fish. We had it for tea. End of story!

But I seem to have very imaginative dreams, I can remember a lot of what happens in them and some of them would make very good stories.

Anyway, was thinking about alcohol last night - we never had any in our household until I was around twenty. Mum and Dad didn't start drinking until they were around 50. Mainly I think because my grandfather was an alcoholic (Dad's Dad). Did that make it worse when it came to me drinking? I am not sure. I do know I have the gene along with another close family member and at least 2 cousins. I am the only sober one amongst the four and I plan to stay that way.

I was supposed to go to a Xmas party this evening but I decided I couldn't handle it as there would be heaps of booze and lots of food I couldn't eat, so I cancelled out of it. I am not going to feel guilty about it, my life, my choices and I would rather be at home with B & J's Dad and B & J.

B & J's Mum

Day 6

I am slowly coming back to normal - whatever that is! The Boss is happy again which makes work easier. I have had health issues but they have come right - I think. I have quite a few food  intolerances and they make me grumpy and sick and with fog brain! I ended up in tears last night and my lovely puppy gave me cuddles. In fact he got quite upset about me being upset and had the hiccups - he is a very sensitive chap. Hubby and him are off for a walk now.

I haven't felt the urge for alcohol for a few days, probably because I haven't been feeling well. I hope it stays away especially with all the Xmas stuff coming up. I think I will be able to cope okay, as I have for the past years.

Hopefully I will be back in a few days with more writing, I do think it is helping.

B & J's Mum

Day 5

I have missed a. few days writing my blog, the weekend seemed to fly by, probably because I tried to keep busy. Friday was awful at work as the boss was in a really bad mood. I am so sensitive to things like that I get upset, but managed to get through the day without being "told off". I also managed to not think about drinking (or not drinking!) too much which was a bonus.

Less than 2 weeks until the holidays - woohoo.

I did wake up this morning with "deaf ear" - my ear gets blocked when I get stressed, but hopefully that will go away soon.

I am looking forward to spending time with our puppy over the holidays and having the energy for walks. I have been cutting down on my sugar consumption but so far haven't lost any weight - oh well, I will just keep plodding along.

B & J's Mum

Dream

Well, having just written in my previous blog about dreaming of drinking, I had a very vivid dream last night where I was drinking. Very weird as I was working in a hotel and a few of my friends I used to work in hotels with appeared as well!

These dreams seem to happen when I am particularly stressed and I am at the moment, especially as I walked in to work this morning to find the boss in a very bad mood. This happened last Friday and ended with me in tears! I am trying to remain calm....

I suddenly wondered whether I am having the "7 year itch" in relation to my drinking. Or is it just the lead up to Christmas is a bit harder this year with hubby not working. Last year we dealt with a cancer scare in March (he is okay now), this year is with him losing his job in March! Since then he has had trouble (he is 63) finding a job.

Anyway, I am still doing the one day at a time with not drinking and the message is getting through to my brain I think.

Here's hoping!

B & J's Mum

Day 3

So I finished Mrs D's book last night. One piece struck a chord with me - the dreaming of drinking. I do that quite a lot and I am so annoyed in my dream that I have broken my number of days not drinking and will have to start all over again. For some reason the length of time is important to me - hence the title of my blog!

Anyway, I am so relieved when I wake up and find it was a dream and I haven't started drinking again.

On the other side of that though, I was thinking before I went to sleep last night how I would love a Strawberry Lindauer - only a bottle or two!!! I know I am very tired and that's when that little voice starts, so I am trying to ignore it, and I will. Two and half weeks until my holidays - woohoo!

The time thing could be to do with the fact this is the third time I have given up alcohol. The other two times I thought I could handle drinking just one or two, low alcohol beer and then it started spiralling. I wasn't getting the buzz, the high, so I needed more. That's what I really liked about drinking, the buzz and then the relaxation and the numbing of feelings.

As Mrs D says, when you stop drinking you start feeling and it is so true, but at times I don't want to, I just want the pain/stress to go away.

I will get over this little patch, and I am remembering to take one day at a time. Each sober day I get through is another victory for me.

B & J's Mum

PS: I don't have children, but I consider my two animals (1 cat, 1 dog) my children!